As parents, we all want our children to succeed. We want them to achieve great things, maximize their potential, and build a life they’re proud of. It’s natural to feel pride in their accomplishments—and let’s face it, who doesn’t love bragging about their kids every now and then?
But sometimes, the line between supporting their dreams and projecting our own can blur. Are we encouraging them to follow their passions, or are we subtly steering them toward goals that reflect our hopes, values, or even unfulfilled dreams?
Guiding kids to success is about more than pushing them to achieve. It’s about honoring their individuality, helping them discover their passions, and giving them the tools to navigate challenges in a way that aligns with who they are—not who we want them to be.
Why Projecting Our Dreams Can Backfire
Sometimes, without realizing it, we project our own goals or expectations onto our children. This might happen when:
- We encourage them to pursue activities we loved or wish we had done.
- We feel pride in accomplishments that reflect well on us as parents.
- We push them toward goals that don’t align with their passions or strengths.
While it’s natural to want the best for our kids, this dynamic can create unintended consequences:
- Loss of Confidence in Their Passions: Kids may feel torn between what they love and what they think will make us proud.
- Resentment Toward Activities: Over time, they might begin to resent the very pursuits we hoped they’d enjoy.
- Tying Worth to Achievements: If we only celebrate their successes, they may feel that their value is tied to what they achieve rather than who they are.
The Turning Point: When Kids Hit Challenges
This tension often becomes clear when kids encounter obstacles. For example, in martial arts, I’ve worked with many students striving for their black belt—a challenging goal that requires perseverance, focus, and discipline.
Some kids hit a wall. They lose motivation or question whether the goal is still meaningful to them. In these moments, the role of the parent becomes critical.
- Some parents encourage their kids to keep going, using the experience to teach perseverance.
- Other parents recognize that their child’s interests have shifted and allow them to step away.
Which approach is “right”? It depends on the child. The key is listening to what they’re saying—through both their words and behavior—and deciding how to guide them based on what’s best for them, not what’s best for us.
How Over-Focusing on Our Goals Creates Tension
Imagine a child who loves art but feels pressured to excel in sports because that’s what their parents value. They might go along with it to please their parents, but over time:
- They lose confidence in their own passions.
- They begin to resent the activities they’ve been pushed into.
- They feel their worth is tied to how well they meet expectations.
This dynamic doesn’t just affect kids—it can strain the parent-child relationship, creating tension and resentment where there should be trust and support.
How to Guide Kids Toward Their Dreams
The good news? You can encourage your child’s success without projecting your goals onto them. It’s about becoming a partner in their journey, not the driver.
1. Listen to Their Interests
Pay attention when your child expresses what they like—or don’t like. Even if their passions differ from your own, validate their interests and support their exploration.
- Instead of: Steering them toward activities you think they “should” pursue.
- Try: Encouraging them to dive into what excites them, whether it’s art, science, sports, or music.
For example, if your child loves music but you’ve always envisioned them as an athlete, embrace their passion for joining the school band or taking piano lessons.
2. Focus on Their Strengths
What are your child’s natural talents or skills? Helping them build on their strengths fosters confidence and a sense of pride in what they’re good at.
For instance:
- If they’re creative, encourage activities like drawing, writing, or theater.
- If they’re great at problem-solving, introduce them to robotics, puzzles, or STEM challenges.
When kids feel seen and valued for who they are, they’re more likely to thrive.
3. Teach Perseverance with Flexibility
There’s a fine line between teaching kids to stick with something hard and recognizing when it’s time to pivot.
- Encourage perseverance: If your child still values the goal but feels stuck, help them break it into smaller, manageable steps.
- Be flexible: If they’ve truly lost interest or their goals have changed, support their decision to try something new.
4. Be Open to Change
Kids’ interests evolve as they grow. What excites them at age 8 might not inspire them at age 14.
- Let go of static expectations: Adapt as they discover who they are.
- Support their growth: Show that it’s okay to explore new paths and let go of activities that no longer serve them.
5. Reflect on Your Own Motives
Ask yourself:
- “Why do I want this for my child?”
- “Is this about their happiness and growth, or my own hopes and dreams?”
Being honest about your motivations helps you approach parenting with clarity and empathy.
Helping Kids Build Their Own Path
At the heart of parenting is the desire to see our kids thrive. But thriving doesn’t come from following someone else’s dreams—it comes from discovering their own.
When we listen to their passions, focus on their strengths, and allow them the freedom to explore, we’re not just helping them succeed. We’re teaching them to trust themselves, embrace growth, and build a life they’re proud of.
Ready to Help Your Child Thrive?
Parenting is about guiding—not directing—your child’s journey. Book your family strategy call today at call.familymaa.com to create a plan that supports your child’s unique passions and helps them grow into confident, authentic individuals.